Gratitude

There is not enough thank you’s in the world to express my gratefulness. My heart is full. My heart is less numb. The amount of feedback I have received for The Inevitable, the shares/likes/comments, means the absolute world to me. During this difficult time for my family, it helps to see knowing I am not alone and knowing my mother had plenty of people who loved/cared for her.My gratitude has no limit, seemingly. My friends are trying to be my rock, my family is all clinging to each other, and people who I have not met has reached out to express their condolences. Once more, thank you.

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The Inevitable 

The Inevitable 

When I found out my mother was dying, I took a shower. I took the longest and hottest shower I could, hoping to wash away the turmoil from my mind and my now devasted heart. This was two days after Christmas of last year. The beginning of my New Year started with my mother in the hospital, fighting to stay alive. 

In the emotion department, I was unprepared. I had visited her twice in the hospital. My memory will be forever tainted of this. The woman who was struggling to cling to life, was my mother, a fighter, but she was slowly losing to this battle that I couldn’t believe she would lose. My mother, the fighter, escaped death before. Why, God? Why take her now?

When I was younger, there had been several battles where my mom was victorious for. I am not certain of the details but she has been in a coma before, with my brother and I’s picture on the wall in the hospital room. She has came back to us, for us, and lived.

Today was different.

Today, she died.

I keep hoping that if I write enough, my heart will register that she’s no longer here. But it won’t. I keep thinking my mom is going to call me and in her infamous sweet voice, “Hey pumpkin, how’s little pumpkin?”  Pumpkin was the name she’s given me when I was younger and in her own tradition, she had given it to my daughter.  I am not sure what writing this will do and I feel that I should have talked about it sooner…but I had hope. I clung to it, and although my father and my brother and the rest of my family tried to prepare me for this but the words still crushed me. It still made me freeze. My heart on the edge of breaking had shattered.

Despite this being the inevitable, I am happy my mom is in a better place. I am happy she is rock in’ it up in heaven and being her normal crazy self. She was loved by so many because of her humor, her giving spirit, and the need to comfort anyone and everyone. She had plenty of flaws but the good will always out weigh the bad. My mother was lovely and I am so sorry we didn’t talk sooner. You were loved and you will be missed.


Momma, I love you.

Rest easy, honey. ❤️

Tallie and The Short One

Tallie and The Short One

It hadn’t been a simple time than the previous time we met.  At that time, I was living in a home where fights were uncommon, parents who were best friends that didn’t believe in divorce,  and the best sibling relationship.  At this time, everything was the opposite. I was living in my own apartment with my boyfriend -he will remain nameless- who we were living together at my mom’s house. We had dated for a year on and off, coming back together when we felt like it.  The sad truth was we realized it too late,  we weren’t meant to be. I was in the awkward stage of wanting to be considered an adult but loved everything about being home. It became easier to live with my boyfriend in our apartment.

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“Read More”

I remember when words would comfort me. It would bring me from the reality I was in and draw me into worlds of magic, adventures I may never take, unforgettable people and things. Books were enjoyable, fun, soothing. Now? It takes a tremendous amount of effort img_0162I started reading these books last week. I am just now reaching the 100th page when it use to take me only three days to finish a book I love. These books catch my interest, but for the life of me, I can’t keep my attention long enough to finish a page!

I’m quite certain this is due to a home that needs to be cleaned, taking care of another human being who needs me, taking care of myself, and all the things that life brings.  Is there anyone else that struggles with this?

This is my New Year’s Resolution and I want to actually complete my goal. Advice, please. 🙂

 

Life Update

Hey there! This will be a short update due to lack of energy and time, but here it goes. Please, don’t hesitate to talk as I would LOVE to talk to people. 🙂

I am in the hospital slowly recovering from a few things. I’m sad, so so so sad, as I am not with my daughter or my boyfriend. I feel terribly awful and wanting to keep my privacy, I will not discuss my actual issue…but I should be out tomorrow, but if I do not get better, I will have to stay for a couple of more days. I’m considered an “outpatient” but if I am here tomorrow, I will moved to “inpatient.”

Here’s to hoping I get better soon, please, pray for my family in this really difficult situation.